My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
