Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
