just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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