Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
