If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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