STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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