At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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