That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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