Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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