90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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