you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
