When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
