If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize