after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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