So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
