The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
