I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize