I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
