Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
