Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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