Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize