i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
