Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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