Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
BRING THE BAGELS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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