it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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