You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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