If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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