wanna go halves on a baby?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
