those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
