Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
