ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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