Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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