one two three fourrrrnication!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
