It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
