I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you will always have a special place in my vag
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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