Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
