dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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