I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
