I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
