She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
