Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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