My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
