I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
