I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize