There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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