the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
