How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
