I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
