i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
