Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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