Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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