I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
