tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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