she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize