mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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