Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
