I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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