you guys were way drunker than both of me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
